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Stop craving for that Importance!!

Happy people never crave for importance from others,  they are the ones who give others importance.  How many of us have this craving for importance? We need people to like us, appreciate us, give us the importance, validate us! On social media when our likes and followers increase, we feel important. We all need to belong and feel accepted! But this basic need to belong and to be made to feel important has now become addictive and fear-based ‘want’.

The need for approval is killing our freedom. We all want to be liked but changing who you are, just to be liked means you are not actually liked for who you are. If you change yourself for someone, trust me they would, in the end, say you have changed or find a new fault with you. These kinds of people have nothing better to do than put others down. The world does not appreciate you for good that you do but will put you down for one mistake you made. Rise above the criticism and stay strong. Don’t amplify that one thing. Don’t let compliments get to your head and criticism get to your heart.

Stop caring about what others think. Stop chasing a false reality. Don’t live for the approval of others. Don’t live for likes on your social media accounts. Try focusing on how your need for approval is pushing you to do too much, instead of participating in things that are important to you. When you find yourself getting hurt by doing things for others at the expense of yourself; it’s time to make a change.

When you make a decision check in with yourself that it feels right, remind yourself that it is your choice and give yourself validation for just being you. It’s human nature to be self-conscious, but letting other’s opinions of you dictate the person you should be is pathetic.

Treat yourself as the most important person in your world. Always know what your strengths are and what is likable about you. At any point in time, you should be able to list ten great things about you. Work on your self-esteem and self-worth. 

Life is too short to make everyone like you. Just accept that some people are bound to dislike you and it’s nobody’s fault. There’s only one ‘you’ in this world, so don’t conceal or fake that. Let the world see the real you because you are worthy. Embrace yourself and celebrate who you are. 

This craving for importance is like as much you run after it, you will keep chasing it for your lifetime. But once you know why you are important and have all the love for yourself, all the confidence of being you, when you start recognizing what matters to you, when this craving for importance is no more a need but just a bi-product; people will automatically love you and give you importance.

Negative Attitudes in Life

Have you ever been around someone who is so cheerful, that you find yourself smiling in spite of yourself? What about that person for whom nothing is ever right – do you find yourself avoiding them?

We are talking about people who are whiners – constantly complaining about any and everything. We all have those people in our lives, that believe that the whole world is against them. Something is always wrong in their life. They would see the glass as half empty and are always venting, complaining, criticizing and comparing. How much ever,  we try we cannot make them move ahead, they will always be caught in the bubble in the space. 

But do you know, what is going on in their heads and lives? They live life out of fear. They fear that things won’t just work for them or something bad is going to happen to them. They constantly want love and validations from people around. They speak and think negatively because they want to build a wall around themselves to protect themselves. Before others could point fingers at them, they start pointing fingers at others. They want all the attention and sympathy. But the irony is as much they want all these, people tend to run away from them. This is because negativity is contagious as is positivity.  If you see them with empathy, you will realize the kind of pain and trouble they are going through. These people are generally lonely and depressed. A negative attitude is almost a guarantee that life will be more difficult and less fulfilling than it should be.

We all have negative moments. Everyone goes through a lot, but we have to choose to grow through it. Choose your battles. Don’t engage every time someone irritates you or tries to bring you into their negativity. Not only will you be seen as argumentative, but you will also be welcoming the negativity in your space. When you are around negative people, you start seeing the world more negatively. You are not required to listen to everything a negative person has to say. Be kind and compassionate with negative people, empathize with them, but do not get involved. Do not make their problems yours. Don’t take the onus of other people’s feelings and emotions on your shoulder, you need to put your well-being ahead of others. 

We can order our life by ordering our attitude. Attitude always begins with a thought. Whatever thoughts you have, you have because you’ve experienced life in a certain and specific way. You are how you are because of the influences you have allowed into your life -your mind. Whatever you give your attention to becomes a priority in your life, good or bad. So instead of talking about problems, talk about solutions. Instead of thinking about how bad things are, think about how good they will be. Count your blessings every day. Focus on today and this moment, instead of thinking about what wrong happened in the past or dwelling on fear of the future.  Choose to give benefit of doubt to others. Understand people are busy in their lives, and nobody is there to make your life miserable. Surround yourself with positive people. Positivity is also contagious.

Guilt of hurting someone we love

How many of us have guilts buried somewhere deep in our hearts; the guilt of hurting someone. Yes, it was a mistake that went against the grain of what it is to be a loving or honest person. Chalk it up to emotional immaturity at that time, being selfish, letting your anger get the best of you or somehow thinking that the person deserved it. 

Your power to heal lies in your acceptance of the fact that you did what you did for no other reason than you chose to do it. This is the hardest bit is the most liberating part. Once you accept it, letting go off guilt gets easier.

Deep down you know you’re a better person than this, but right now after such a long time also it feels you are the worst person in the world. And you have no idea, when will you be able to forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself is much harder than forgiving someone else because you are stuck with that negative little voice in your head. You have all the right in the world to feel disappointed because you have hurt someone, but also know one mistake does not define you.  Be patient with yourself and keep loving yourself. Don’t rush yourself to get into a positive zone. Perfection is a myth. Everyone makes mistake,  Practice forgiving others genuinely and also giving them benefit of doubt. This will help you have compassion for yourself too. 

We ought to remember mistakes help us evolve into better people. “Owning up our mistake” is such an important step in getting over the guilt. We generally use denial to protect ourselves from guilt. While it is comfortable to believe, we haven’t done anything wrong, it never helps the situation. Ask for an apology but don’t pressure or demand forgiveness from them right away or even ever. If you have done what you can to make amends and the other person still needs space and time to forgive you, let them have it, you can forgive yourself and move on. 

You can’t go back and change the past, so there’s no point in obsessing over it. Don’t deny yourself the freedom of forgiveness. You have full right to stick on to your guilt for a lifetime and be its prisoner. But you also have a choice to let the guilt go by accepting it completely and learning from the mistake.

Single Parent Challenges

“Being a single parent is the hardest thing, but doing it alone is much better than doing it with someone who doesn’t want to do it.”

Our Bollywood industry has a lot of examples of single parents with children, some are divorced with children, some are single but have adopted children or had them by surrogacy. Looking at them, single parenting looks like a cakewalk. But it is not!  Even they had to face bias from society when they took decisions about being a single parent. There is a lot of bias against single parents and a host of negative connotations that come along with it. They are treated like an incomplete units.

Parenting as it is challenging, but being a single parent is emotionally challenging and sometimes even overwhelming. Single parenting demands are nothing to ignore,  they can seem like insurmountable challenges and steep hills to climb on any given day; they should not be underestimated. 

If you are ever having a bad parenting day, you have no one to turn to. You have to do it all alone, and it’s not always easy. And the biggest doubt you have is, you do not know whether you are doing it right. So the best solution for this is to surround yourself with other parents and then observe where they are falling short and learn from that also. Accept that no one is perfect and so are you also not! Make mistakes and learn from them. When you have to make solo decisions, it can be kind of overwhelming. Try seeing the decision making as an honor and trust that things will be good. 

Always have a strong network of support systems. And do not shy from asking for help. Be patient with yourself. Give your best to your child, but also give yourself some quality time away from the child. If you make any mistake, do not beat yourself down.

Sometimes financial constraints also add up because bringing up a child single-handedly could be very expensive. You have to learn to balance work and home both because you have to take care of finances as well as the child. Single parent children become matured also early because they learn to share their parents' responsibility from an early age. 

A single parent has to be a strict disciplinarian and a fun-loving parent as well. They have to fulfill the dual responsibilities of both the parent. But with time they learn to balance both the roles.

Whatever comes your way, always remember to be strong and positive, you can handle it all. If there is a problem there is bound to be a solution, you just have to look at the right place.  If you are getting 200% worries, you are getting 200% love also.

When Love turns into Control

Love is the most beautiful thing in the world! No matter, what the couples do together it
is so much fun and makes them happy. The feeling is so beautiful that we never want it
to go away. And suddenly, in some relationships, you realize they are controlling you.
They start dictating where you can and cannot go. They would want to check on your
social media accounts. They don’t want you to look beautiful without them.
Something which was so beautiful is making you now feel trapped and frustrated. But
have you ever wondered why the other person controls you? It’s because you let them
control you. You have not set your limits as to how would you like to be treated. You are
scared of losing your partner, so you let them have their ways. It is also possible that
a person who is controlling or dominating in a relationship, is the insecure one in the
relationship or just loves bossing around or this is the way he has been brought up.
Whatever their reasons, please do not get okay with accepting their controlling nature.
You have to at one point tell them, that you can take some decisions in your life on your
own. Let them know that their expressing concern is fine, but going overboard is not
acceptable. Remember love is a partnership, not ownership. We feel that they are madly
in love with us, but suddenly their love becomes obsessive and toxic.
It’s their insecurities and ego and their need to boss around. Don’t let anyone boss you,
you are not their employee or puppet. If someone makes you feel guilty when you are
spending time with friends, it’s controlled. You have the right to live your life your way.
When they are pulling you away from other people or making your life all about them,
then they are control freak. When they tell you that you are incompetent without them,
they are trying to make you weak. See whether they are emotionally blackmailing you or
getting angry with you. Whenever you feel they are trying to do any of these things,
clearly and assertively but with love tell them that you are not happy like this.
A healthy relationship is one where two independent people just make a deal that they
will help make the other person the best version of themselves. They let you be the way you
want to be. They are happy for you if you are happy.
Please always set your boundaries in any relationship. And it’s never too late. We can
always with love say things and if they really love us, they will understand. If they do
not, they will create a scene. And then you know what needs to be done!

Love yourself First!

Don’t just be good to the others. Be good to YOU too!”

Everyone must receive a lot of relationship advice day in day out. But the best relationship advice that can be ever given is, “Before you love others, love yourself unconditionally. It can definitely be complicated, but it will be worth it.” Most of us are so busy chasing love from others, we’ve forgotten about the one person we need to love first- ourselves!

You are absolutely the most important person in your entire universe. From our childhood days, we’ve been raised to put others first, self-love often feels selfish. We are made to feel guilty if we self-love ourselves. But being this selfish, helps us connect with ourselves. When we love ourselves, we prove to ourselves that we deserve to be treated well. So we will not put up with other’s ill-treatment also. Secondly, everyone has different opinions about what we should do or how we should behave, so it is impossible for us to make everyone happy. And if we constantly put others before ourselves, it will keep us from living the life we desire.

Self-love isn’t easy, as we are our biggest critics. We can forgive and forget other’s mistakes but we do not allow ourselves to make mistakes. When you lose to manage a few kilos and look great- you like yourself. When you achieve something big- you like yourself. But when you have put on some weight or have failed or are at your worst, do you still love yourself. Self-love should be unconditional. We should love ourselves as we are right now!

We tend to compare ourselves and our lives with others. We make ourselves feel small by comparing to others. But that’s the biggest mistake because no matter how well we know them, we never know what they feel inside or how they perceive their life.

Before thinking about others, think about yourself, your likes and dislikes. Do good to yourself.

Have you ever looked in the mirror, stared in your eyes and said “I love you, with your own name.” Try it, it’s very difficult but worth it. It takes a lot of dedication, devotion, and practice to love yourself each and every day and watch your best self bloom! The epic dialogue of famous bollywood film “Me apni favorite hoon!” should be everyone’s favorite line.

Manipulative people in our Lives

You are in a chirpy mood and you meet someone who is very close to you and all of sudden you start feeling life is crap. You get up in the morning with a positive mood, and then there are a lot of negative vibes and you start feeling bad. You may be in a relationship with a manipulative person who is toxic, he/she may be your close friend, your partner, your colleague!
You felt you wanted to say you were hurt about a certain thing and all of the sudden scenario changed and everything became your fault and you were made to feel guilty and apologize. You have a hate and love relationship with this person. You are only given importance only when they need you otherwise you are ignored, stabbed and left
alone. They would always want you to be stuck with them, so they would tell you
a million reasons why you can not do a certain thing which would take you away from them. These toxic people neither would want to be helped nor would help themselves, yet they would want everyone around to feel as terrible as they do about life, work, money, and happiness.
We all know we feel helpless when it comes to dealing with this manipulative person. They are very difficult to deal with. Should we fight with them or simply accept them as they are!

Most important is to not emotionally react to them. Toxic people aren’t worthy of that anyway. Be clear, concise, forthright, logical and don’t attach yourself to anything they say. Also, realize enough is enough. It’s time to take a stand. Understand that these manipulative people don’t want to learn more, do better or be different. They want everyone around them to just put up with their ways and make accommodations or them. Don’t try to change them and don’t expect them to change or you will be disappointed.
One of the innovative ways to deal with them is to make yourself boring, nonreactive and unremarkable as possible. Be emotionally unresponsive to their comments and pokes. Prioritize your happiness and sanity. It’s not going to be easy, but it will be rewarding. Don’t let anyone make you feel small in your life.

It’s not worth it.

Why do Kids change when they step into Teen years

There comes a stage in everyone’s life when we feel our kids have become strange, they have become teenagers. They are no more the cute kids who used to wander around moms the whole day and would ask us every small thing. Even if they would make a house mess or break things or gave us sleepless nights, at the end of the day we would just love them as they were our little angels.

Suddenly, things ave changed. They remain more in themselves. They want to be with friends more or remain confined in their rooms glued to their mobiles. There are more arguments, answering back and banging of doors. We blame it on the “generation”, “the friends” “the hormones”. But are these things really to be blamed?

What we don’t realize is that they are growing. No one remains the same throughout their life. We have also changed so much, so are they. We feel they have popped out of us, so they are indebted to us for their whole life. They will have to do as we ask them to do. They are our children and not our personal property. They are individuals with their own likes and dislikes, dreams and aspirations. It would be wrong of us if we want to see our unfulfilled desires and dreams getting fulfilled through them.

What they need is a parent, who is ready to move along with them, who allows them to make their own set of mistakes. We all have been a rebel in our own ways. They are also. What they need is someone who is ready to listen to them, who gives them their space, but still stands behind them without commenting “I told you so” or being sarcastic.  They need a parent who is ready to give them helping hand or a crying shoulder or maybe walking a mile with them, only and only if they need their help.

The teen years are very confusing years, they are not sure about a lot of things but still, they want to try new things. There are lots of mixed feelings and confused emotions, distorted body image and lot of peer pressure and also the pressure to fit in. They are trying their best to navigate these years smoothly. Instead of being an obstacle in this navigation, let us hold their hands, accept their limitations, encourage their efforts and praise them for who they are.

We need to definitely change with them, as we have to give them wings of imagination to soar and solid foundation so that they still remain grounded and stick to roots.

Feeling of not being Wanted

“Suruchi nobody wants me, nobody likes me,” a friend of mine Jyoti called me in the morning and said. She was crying and wailing. She felt that she was left out when the group of friends met and had fun. She felt no one noticed her presence or her absence. This made her sulk more. More she sulked, more people distanced away from her. The irony, isn’t it?

Well, this feeling of not being a part of the group or not being wanted or being left out is very common. Each one of us has experienced this some time or other. We all want to be liked, loved and needed. But in our this need to be liked, we get clingy, some of us get aloof, some of us start behaving strangely.

What is needed is to start having fun on your own. Start enjoying your company. If people see you having fun, they would want to join you. Take responsibility for your happiness. When friends get out to have fun, all they want to have is fun. It’s not your friends' job to keep you entertained. If you sulk, they would resist you.

Try to enjoy your own company. Don’t be sarcastic about being left out. Try to be part of the group. Smile. Listen. Talk. Always remember one thing, if they did not like you, they wouldn’t have brought you along. Don’t try to listen to what’s not said. Don’t overthink at all, just flow with the flow. Friendship is always about give and take. Love is always about reciprocating. It’s never about wants and needs. 

Just be yourself. You are unique. Hug yourself a lot. Love your own company and think of having fun. Don’t be ever be afraid to be alone. Accept it that even if you are alone, you are happy. Then the need and desperation would not be there. When the need is not there, all falls in place. A quote goes “if you run after a butterfly, you will never get it. But if you sit calmly at one place, the butterfly will come and sit on your shoulder.” Same is with people.

The Person who is happy inside out radiates happiness always. He/she is always wanted and liked by others.

Let It Go

A professor in IIT held a bottle for a few minutes and ask students “What do you think will happen to my arm ?” Students unanimously answered “Nothing!” Then the professor asked, “If I hold this bottle for one hour?” One of the students said, “your arm will start to ache.” Professor further asked, “If I hold this bottle for 24 hours?” “You will feel extreme pain and your arm could fall off also”, answered the student.

Life is like that! This bottle of water represents our problems, stress, worries, and anxiety which we have bottled up in our mind. It shows that longer we hold onto these things, more damage and harm they will cause us.

What is the most important? Our “Peace of Mind!” It is more important than spending hours thinking about why someone did what they did to us or why life treated us in this manner. Let it Go!!! We don’t let go things because we want to control them, we want to change the situation and the people. We always want to brood in the past and make it right, but we cannot. It only saps us of our energy. A learned man had once said, “Anything that costs us our peace of mind is too expensive, just let it go.”

It needs a lot of courage to let go off things and people whom we cannot change, but undoubtedly it is the most life-changing experience. Don’t let anything or anyone stay in your mind for free. Some relationships leave us alone and we keep looking for closure. We should let them go because maybe they themselves have no answer. We have to search for our own answers and reasons. Let the past go, so we could enjoy the future. Regrets and bitterness hold us back, life is meant to move forward. So just let it go!

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