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Emotional Blackmail

Men used to always say “Women emotionally blackmail us with their tears.” And it used to be true for years, to get what they wanted women used to use tears. But that was kind of harmless. But what is thought worthy is, are you made to feel guilty about your choices? Are you pushed into doing things, which you otherwise wouldn’t want to do? Do you often hear statements like “If you really love me, you will do this for me. “ or “I have done so much for you, can’t you do this much also for me.” You are being emotionally blackmailed by people who are closest to you, intentionally or unintentionally. The people who emotionally blackmail us can be our partner, friend, parent, our child, or a colleague. They feel insecure and so want to control us and are desperate to get us to do what they want. These people take you on a guilt trip.
 

They know we want them to be happy and we care a lot about them. They want you to take responsibility for their happiness. They know they can manipulate you
and your emotions because they are very close to you and you value them and their relationship. We allow emotional blackmail to happen to us because of our
intense desire to be loved, accepted and appreciated by others. When we seek validation, we give away our power to others who know how to use it for their
own good. The relationship becomes too demanding when you are emotionally blackmailed.
Acceptance is very important, when you realize you are being emotionally blackmailed. Once you accept, you can learn to say a kind but a firm ‘no’ to things you don’t want to do. Set boundaries in a relationship. Know at all times what is acceptable and what is not. And most importantly, refuse to take other people’s emotional well being responsibility.

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Being fully prepared to take off with your dreams !

When I was about to start with my first counselling session, I would keep postponing it and stalling it. I had this “something” in me which made me think, I
am not fully ready yet. I need to be fully prepared and equipped before I start. This “something” always stopped me from taking action. My mentor at that time
told me “Suruchi, the perfect time and perfect moment is right now. You can never ever be fully prepared to take off with your dreams.” And then I realized, that “something” was my fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of appearing foolish, fear of taking a wrong decision, fear of making a mistake or the fear of “not being good enough”. I wanted to combat this fear completely, and trust me I was on a mission impossible. If we try to eliminate fear completely and then start, then we will be stuck there at point zero only.When we realize life is slipping from our hands and we pause and look back on it, we see how many dreams of ours have remain unfulfilled. What’s difficult is finding courage to make it actually happen and move past all the fear and doubt that crop up when we want to do something big.
You are never ever going to be prepared enough to take off. You won’t get unlimited chances to have what you want and nothing is worse than regretting opportunities, you didn’t seize. You will make mistakes but then that is also very essential to take the next step. These mistakes equipped you for your third fourth steps. You will get better as you move ahead. But what’s essential is to get started. Even if you wait for one lifetime to be fully prepared, you will still not be fully ready to take off. Only the courage to take action right now, at this moment will help you spread your wings and take off with your dreams.

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People's opinion about you!

We all feel really good when people like us, talk good about us. It’s a high feeling. But this high feeling has a counterpart also. You have ten people talking positive about you, but if there is one person who is spreading rumors about you or talking negatively about you or doesn’t like you, your mind works in overactive zone to make that one person like you. Accept that there are some people as much you try, you cannot make them like you. There are these people who would not believe your truth ever, because they want to live in their own world of lies, which they have built for their own entertainment. You Live with your truth. The king of the jungle never loses sleep over the opinion of wolf. He always knows what his worth is. People will talk. They always have and they always will. No matter what you do or say, how you behave, the way you dress up, the way you talk, people will always have an opinion on that. Nobody is perfect, you could just be different from others. Like the lion waits for his weak prey, these people also look for the one whom they can taunt or torment. And it gets to us. We allow other people’s opinions to not just hurt us, but to change ourselves. Remember it’s just their opinion and not our reality. Be a nice person but don’t waste your time and energy to prove it. We put all our energy to prove ourselves and to that person that we are good. There is no need to do so! It is very much okay that not everyone likes us. People love to amplify our flaws and mistakes so that they can feel good about themselves, that way they will not have to work harder on themselves. They love making others' lives uncomfortable. No one can make you feel bad unless you allow them to. Have a high opinion of yourself so that no one’s low opinion of you will affect your emotional health. If you can stop caring about what others think about you, it can be incredibly empowering!! And trust me they will also stop giving opinion about you because they now know you give a damn..

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Emotional Abuse: The wound on Soul

Emotional abuse is the hidden attack for power and control in any relationship. It is as bad as physical abuse, if not more, it hurts. Emotional abuse can come at you with all guns blazing in your direction. The bullets hit hard, but the wounds are not seen. These are the wounds that do not appear on the body, because the other person has not raised their hands
but hurt you more. They shatter your self-esteem and confidence into tiny bits. The subtle ways of emotional abuse will come in the form of bullets are already there, the abusive person puts their salty finger on the wound and pushes and moves it around the infected area. It’s that scary and painful! The emotional abuser holds power over your life. They would use criticism, sarcasm, will constantly belittle you and put you down. They control you. And this all happens because men and women believe they are “flawed” and they settle for bad relationships or get drawn into them. Sometimes we want to be loved so badly that we can’t even tell that it’s not really love. Maybe being alone will scare you, but being in a bad relationship will scar you. This also happens when you have a low self-esteem or are a people pleaser, you are being taken advantage of.
 

First thing first, emotional abuse is never your fault, it’s about others controlling attitude. The best thing to come out of emotional abuse is to decide to leave. It is not as easy as it sounds. They are like a leech, they will stick to you and refuse to just let go. Giving them a second chance is like willingly putting your hand in the mouth of a crocodile. Don’t do it. They
won’t change. Don’t even try to change them. You cannot control or change anyone’s behavior, neither is it your responsibility to do so. Learn to set boundaries in all your relationships. Always know what is and what is not acceptable. Make your happiness and yourself priority. In all relationships give respect and ask for respect.
Any relationship should make you bloom and not wither!

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Stop craving for that Importance!!

Happy people never crave for importance from others,  they are the ones who give others importance.  How many of us have this craving for importance? We need people to like us, appreciate us, give us the importance, validate us! On social media when our likes and followers increase, we feel important. We all need to belong and feel accepted! But this basic need to belong and to be made to feel important has now become addictive and fear-based ‘want’.

The need for approval is killing our freedom. We all want to be liked but changing who you are, just to be liked means you are not actually liked for who you are. If you change yourself for someone, trust me they would, in the end, say you have changed or find a new fault with you. These kinds of people have nothing better to do than put others down. The world does not appreciate you for good that you do but will put you down for one mistake you made. Rise above the criticism and stay strong. Don’t amplify that one thing. Don’t let compliments get to your head and criticism get to your heart.

Stop caring about what others think. Stop chasing a false reality. Don’t live for the approval of others. Don’t live for likes on your social media accounts. Try focusing on how your need for approval is pushing you to do too much, instead of participating in things that are important to you. When you find yourself getting hurt by doing things for others at the expense of yourself; it’s time to make a change.

When you make a decision check in with yourself that it feels right, remind yourself that it is your choice and give yourself validation for just being you. It’s human nature to be self-conscious, but letting other’s opinions of you dictate the person you should be is pathetic.

Treat yourself as the most important person in your world. Always know what your strengths are and what is likable about you. At any point in time, you should be able to list ten great things about you. Work on your self-esteem and self-worth. 

Life is too short to make everyone like you. Just accept that some people are bound to dislike you and it’s nobody’s fault. There’s only one ‘you’ in this world, so don’t conceal or fake that. Let the world see the real you because you are worthy. Embrace yourself and celebrate who you are. 

This craving for importance is like as much you run after it, you will keep chasing it for your lifetime. But once you know why you are important and have all the love for yourself, all the confidence of being you, when you start recognizing what matters to you, when this craving for importance is no more a need but just a bi-product; people will automatically love you and give you importance.

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Negative Attitudes in Life

Have you ever been around someone who is so cheerful, that you find yourself smiling in spite of yourself? What about that person for whom nothing is ever right – do you find yourself avoiding them?

We are talking about people who are whiners – constantly complaining about any and everything. We all have those people in our lives, that believe that the whole world is against them. Something is always wrong in their life. They would see the glass as half empty and are always venting, complaining, criticizing and comparing. How much ever,  we try we cannot make them move ahead, they will always be caught in the bubble in the space. 

But do you know, what is going on in their heads and lives? They live life out of fear. They fear that things won’t just work for them or something bad is going to happen to them. They constantly want love and validations from people around. They speak and think negatively because they want to build a wall around themselves to protect themselves. Before others could point fingers at them, they start pointing fingers at others. They want all the attention and sympathy. But the irony is as much they want all these, people tend to run away from them. This is because negativity is contagious as is positivity.  If you see them with empathy, you will realize the kind of pain and trouble they are going through. These people are generally lonely and depressed. A negative attitude is almost a guarantee that life will be more difficult and less fulfilling than it should be.

We all have negative moments. Everyone goes through a lot, but we have to choose to grow through it. Choose your battles. Don’t engage every time someone irritates you or tries to bring you into their negativity. Not only will you be seen as argumentative, but you will also be welcoming the negativity in your space. When you are around negative people, you start seeing the world more negatively. You are not required to listen to everything a negative person has to say. Be kind and compassionate with negative people, empathize with them, but do not get involved. Do not make their problems yours. Don’t take the onus of other people’s feelings and emotions on your shoulder, you need to put your well-being ahead of others. 

We can order our life by ordering our attitude. Attitude always begins with a thought. Whatever thoughts you have, you have because you’ve experienced life in a certain and specific way. You are how you are because of the influences you have allowed into your life -your mind. Whatever you give your attention to becomes a priority in your life, good or bad. So instead of talking about problems, talk about solutions. Instead of thinking about how bad things are, think about how good they will be. Count your blessings every day. Focus on today and this moment, instead of thinking about what wrong happened in the past or dwelling on fear of the future.  Choose to give benefit of doubt to others. Understand people are busy in their lives, and nobody is there to make your life miserable. Surround yourself with positive people. Positivity is also contagious.

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Guilt of hurting someone we love

How many of us have guilts buried somewhere deep in our hearts; the guilt of hurting someone. Yes, it was a mistake that went against the grain of what it is to be a loving or honest person. Chalk it up to emotional immaturity at that time, being selfish, letting your anger get the best of you or somehow thinking that the person deserved it. 

Your power to heal lies in your acceptance of the fact that you did what you did for no other reason than you chose to do it. This is the hardest bit is the most liberating part. Once you accept it, letting go off guilt gets easier.

Deep down you know you’re a better person than this, but right now after such a long time also it feels you are the worst person in the world. And you have no idea, when will you be able to forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself is much harder than forgiving someone else because you are stuck with that negative little voice in your head. You have all the right in the world to feel disappointed because you have hurt someone, but also know one mistake does not define you.  Be patient with yourself and keep loving yourself. Don’t rush yourself to get into a positive zone. Perfection is a myth. Everyone makes mistake,  Practice forgiving others genuinely and also giving them benefit of doubt. This will help you have compassion for yourself too. 

We ought to remember mistakes help us evolve into better people. “Owning up our mistake” is such an important step in getting over the guilt. We generally use denial to protect ourselves from guilt. While it is comfortable to believe, we haven’t done anything wrong, it never helps the situation. Ask for an apology but don’t pressure or demand forgiveness from them right away or even ever. If you have done what you can to make amends and the other person still needs space and time to forgive you, let them have it, you can forgive yourself and move on. 

You can’t go back and change the past, so there’s no point in obsessing over it. Don’t deny yourself the freedom of forgiveness. You have full right to stick on to your guilt for a lifetime and be its prisoner. But you also have a choice to let the guilt go by accepting it completely and learning from the mistake.

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Single Parent Challenges

“Being a single parent is the hardest thing, but doing it alone is much better than doing it with someone who doesn’t want to do it.”

Our Bollywood industry has a lot of examples of single parents with children, some are divorced with children, some are single but have adopted children or had them by surrogacy. Looking at them, single parenting looks like a cakewalk. But it is not!  Even they had to face bias from society when they took decisions about being a single parent. There is a lot of bias against single parents and a host of negative connotations that come along with it. They are treated like an incomplete units.

Parenting as it is challenging, but being a single parent is emotionally challenging and sometimes even overwhelming. Single parenting demands are nothing to ignore,  they can seem like insurmountable challenges and steep hills to climb on any given day; they should not be underestimated. 

If you are ever having a bad parenting day, you have no one to turn to. You have to do it all alone, and it’s not always easy. And the biggest doubt you have is, you do not know whether you are doing it right. So the best solution for this is to surround yourself with other parents and then observe where they are falling short and learn from that also. Accept that no one is perfect and so are you also not! Make mistakes and learn from them. When you have to make solo decisions, it can be kind of overwhelming. Try seeing the decision making as an honor and trust that things will be good. 

Always have a strong network of support systems. And do not shy from asking for help. Be patient with yourself. Give your best to your child, but also give yourself some quality time away from the child. If you make any mistake, do not beat yourself down.

Sometimes financial constraints also add up because bringing up a child single-handedly could be very expensive. You have to learn to balance work and home both because you have to take care of finances as well as the child. Single parent children become matured also early because they learn to share their parents' responsibility from an early age. 

A single parent has to be a strict disciplinarian and a fun-loving parent as well. They have to fulfill the dual responsibilities of both the parent. But with time they learn to balance both the roles.

Whatever comes your way, always remember to be strong and positive, you can handle it all. If there is a problem there is bound to be a solution, you just have to look at the right place.  If you are getting 200% worries, you are getting 200% love also.

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When Love turns into Control

Love is the most beautiful thing in the world! No matter, what the couples do together it
is so much fun and makes them happy. The feeling is so beautiful that we never want it
to go away. And suddenly, in some relationships, you realize they are controlling you.
They start dictating where you can and cannot go. They would want to check on your
social media accounts. They don’t want you to look beautiful without them.
Something which was so beautiful is making you now feel trapped and frustrated. But
have you ever wondered why the other person controls you? It’s because you let them
control you. You have not set your limits as to how would you like to be treated. You are
scared of losing your partner, so you let them have their ways. It is also possible that
a person who is controlling or dominating in a relationship, is the insecure one in the
relationship or just loves bossing around or this is the way he has been brought up.
Whatever their reasons, please do not get okay with accepting their controlling nature.
You have to at one point tell them, that you can take some decisions in your life on your
own. Let them know that their expressing concern is fine, but going overboard is not
acceptable. Remember love is a partnership, not ownership. We feel that they are madly
in love with us, but suddenly their love becomes obsessive and toxic.
It’s their insecurities and ego and their need to boss around. Don’t let anyone boss you,
you are not their employee or puppet. If someone makes you feel guilty when you are
spending time with friends, it’s controlled. You have the right to live your life your way.
When they are pulling you away from other people or making your life all about them,
then they are control freak. When they tell you that you are incompetent without them,
they are trying to make you weak. See whether they are emotionally blackmailing you or
getting angry with you. Whenever you feel they are trying to do any of these things,
clearly and assertively but with love tell them that you are not happy like this.
A healthy relationship is one where two independent people just make a deal that they
will help make the other person the best version of themselves. They let you be the way you
want to be. They are happy for you if you are happy.
Please always set your boundaries in any relationship. And it’s never too late. We can
always with love say things and if they really love us, they will understand. If they do
not, they will create a scene. And then you know what needs to be done!

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Love yourself First!

“Don’t just be good to the others. Be good to YOU too!”

Everyone must receive a lot of relationship advice day in day out. But the best relationship advice that can be ever given is, “Before you love others, love yourself unconditionally. It can definitely be complicated, but it will be worth it.” Most of us are so busy chasing love from others, we’ve forgotten about the one person we need to love first- ourselves!

You are absolutely the most important person in your entire universe. From our childhood days, we’ve been raised to put others first, self-love often feels selfish. We are made to feel guilty if we self-love ourselves. But being this selfish, helps us connect with ourselves. When we love ourselves, we prove to ourselves that we deserve to be treated well. So we will not put up with other’s ill-treatment also. Secondly, everyone has different opinions about what we should do or how we should behave, so it is impossible for us to make everyone happy. And if we constantly put others before ourselves, it will keep us from living the life we desire.

Self-love isn’t easy, as we are our biggest critics. We can forgive and forget other’s mistakes but we do not allow ourselves to make mistakes. When you lose to manage a few kilos and look great- you like yourself. When you achieve something big- you like yourself. But when you have put on some weight or have failed or are at your worst, do you still love yourself. Self-love should be unconditional. We should love ourselves as we are right now!

We tend to compare ourselves and our lives with others. We make ourselves feel small by comparing to others. But that’s the biggest mistake because no matter how well we know them, we never know what they feel inside or how they perceive their life.

Before thinking about others, think about yourself, your likes and dislikes. Do good to yourself.

Have you ever looked in the mirror, stared in your eyes and said “I love you, with your own name.” Try it, it’s very difficult but worth it. It takes a lot of dedication, devotion, and practice to love yourself each and every day and watch your best self bloom! The epic dialogue of famous bollywood film “Me apni favorite hoon!” should be everyone’s favorite line.

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